An Old Story (What I Always Do)

I hide with bangs, I hide with a buzz cut,
I hide in a dress, I'd hide in Conneticut,
I hide behind a certificate.

I always hurt my right foot
when I hide or pretend.

What comes out when I'm open,
I don't like -
there's no music,
no poem,
no theorem,
no world-scale change.

There's a dad I'm trying to impress,
a voice in my head I want to mute.
I always think I know the truth.

Operant Conditioning

Once upon a time, in a country far away, lived two beautiful ponies, Jane and Ruby, with their two owners, Charles and Amy. Charles and Amy each lived in a small, yellow house that shared a big yard, where Jane's and Ruby's barn was. Their homes were close to The Forest, and it was a tradition by the people from this area to raise ponies in a safe environment, but set them free in The Forest once they grew up. Jane and Ruby had long, hazelnut manes; the owners wanted to teach the ponies to take care of their manes by themselves because that was the best way to prepare them to live on their own, once they became horses. To take care of their manes properly, the ponies had to: eat healthy food, spend enough time in the sun and brush their manes. The owners decided to reward the ponies each time they completed a task successfully, so each time Jane or Ruby did one of the three tasks, Amy or Charles would give them an apple. 

   Charles enjoyed feeding apples to Jane and Ruby; he felt that they strengthened their relationships in this way. Contrasting from what his name might lead you to believe, Charles wasn't a free spirit. He was very set in his ways, rarely embracing adventures or change. As Jane and Ruby were growing into strong, wild horses, Charles was receding into a weak, predictable man. The idea that his beloved ponies would once take care of their manes instead of him made him feel worthless and scared. So to make Jane and Ruby codependent for a longer time, Charles started giving Jane and Ruby sugar cubes when they were successfully taking care of their manes. Since Amy would never support him, Charles made Jane and Ruby promise that they will never tell Amy about the sugar. Jane and Ruby discussed this and made a deal that they will talk every evening about the bad things that started happening. They were both aware that sugar was bad for their health; they just didn't know how exactly. 

   Ponies, as well as many other beings, like sugar; it melts in their mouths fast, it has a strong impact on their mood and the cubes it is arranged into are so practical, it's satisfying. However, because of sugar, the ponies developed serious digestion issues, so one day they couldn't eat apples anymore. Also, sugar made their hair thin and brittle, meaning that instead of progressing physically, as well as personally, they were receding. Jane was worried for three reasons. Firstly, she didn't understand how was Charles planning to hide the sugar from Amy since it became obvious that he was feeding it to her and Ruby. Secondly, her future was in danger. Thirdly, Ruby stopped talking to her about her experiences; when they would meet in the evening in the barn, Jane would ask how Ruby was doing, but the responses she would get were short and non-specific, such as "Fine." Desperate, Jane turned to Amy for help. 

"Charles is giving you sugar because he wants to keep you close to him", Amy noticed. "Once you become horses, you will wander off into The Forest and Charles will no longer be your priority."

"But we will always love Charles", said Jane. "We love him now, too, even though he is hindering our growth."

Amy sighed. "You should learn to use the energy that sugar offers you and go to the forest as soon as possible; you will find better food there, and your mane and stomach will heal over time." She made a serious face. "But you must never forget that what Charles is feeding you is bad, or else you will feed yourself bad things once you're on your own. That is why you should keep eating apples."

Jane continued to eat the sugar that Charles gave her then the apples from Amy; she lived with the stomach and hair problems, trusting that she will solve them in The Forest, on her own. Jane told Ruby about her talk with Amy, and in the beginning, Ruby was doing the same things as Jane. But she soon stopped eating apples and only relied on sugar. Nevertheless, Jane was sure that Ruby would come to her senses.

   One day, Charles started convincing Jane that how she is taking care of her mane is wrong; that she is spending too much time in the sun, that she uses the wrong comb and that she is eating unhealthy. 

"If you know that I am eating unhealthy, why do you keep feeding me unhealthy rewards?" Jane asked. 

Charles never replied; he just kept accusing Jane of being irresponsible. One evening, Jane was furious and turned to Ruby.

"Ruby, I don't see why we should keep living here if Charles is going to keep poisoning us'', Jane said. They were standing next to their beds in their barn, Jane walking back and forth and Ruby standing still, gazing into the distance. Jane couldn't take Charles's lies anymore - she couldn't even stand still as she was talking about them. She asked Ruby to run away with her. 

"Ruby, it's all nature in The Forest", said Jane optimistically. "You reward yourself. You guide yourself. You take care of yourself; Charles cannot trick us there!"

As she was speaking, Ruby silently lifted her left hoof off the ground to reveal a hidden sugar cube. She brought it close to her mouth. Jane sunk to the centre of the Earth at the sight. Jane and Ruby were not only best friends, but sisters, and Jane had put all her hope into Ruby. But Ruby was a traitor. She fell right into Charles's trap and was now unlikely to ever leave the barn. Desperate, Jane turned to Amy for help. 

"Ruby accepted the sugar because she sensed Charles's hidden fear. This is her way of supporting him", Amy noticed. "You should take the support Ruby offers you during your stay here and leave to The Forest as soon as possible."

Jane asked Amy to come to The Forest with her. Amy refused. 

"I can only ride on your back once you become a horse. The only way I can help you when you grow up is by letting you be completely on your own", Amy explained. 

So Jane stuck with Ruby and ate both the sugar and the apples, trusting that she will solve her stomach problems, grow a healthier mane and mend her broken heart on her own, in The Forest. She stayed focused on her goal to avoid being depressed. 

Jane soon left to pursue her life in The Forest. Her stomach problems disappeared, her mane recovered and the love she had for Ruby shone through the disappointment. Jane would often come across plants whose fruits were similar to sugar, and animals that ate those fruits for the same reason one eats sugar. But Jane never forgot that eating sugar is bad for her, so thanks to Amy's advice, she wandered in The Forest with courage and pride. Yet, she kept asking herself: did she learn her lessons? She might never know...

Why I Like Languages

I write my diary in Serbian Cyrillic
so that my friends cannot understand it.

In German, I dream, to say the least, 
about music and world peace.

English offers access to a plethora of knowledge
and various perspectives on current topics.

Greece is my second home, 
so Greek prepares me for every road.

Today I met a woman while sitting on a bench
and we chatted in French.

Toxic Bitch

A toxic bitch I have to call my own
shits all over the protected zone.
Yesterday, when she couldn't enter,
the neighbours called the animal shelter.
I said: 'Take her; let me have my peace!'
but was told I have to keep the bitch...
'She has nowhere to go.' What about her friend?
And the dog that can't fuck her 'cause she fucks herself?
I suppose she'll get them when my lungs explode
and the flowers in my garden lose all hope.

My Baby

My baby says she loves me almost every day,
but then she goes and hurts me in her old way.

She will never love me, and if I accept that,
I'll never love anybody as much as I love myself.

She is insecure and cannot accept herself,
so she thinks pushing me away is for the best.

She will never love me, and if I accept that,
I'll never love anybody as much as I love myself.

I try to be patient and not ask her to get better,
because she's not ready to move up that ladder,
but I'm just a human; I share my home with her.
Seeing her so lost makes me want to fight instead of her.
She says it's impossible. Although she's lying,
I don't want to be another reason why she's crying.

She will never love me, and if I accept that,
I'll never love anybody as much as I love myself.

Two Sides to Every Blue

There are two sides to every blue:

the wish to fix the old

and the wish to start a new. 

But the old cannot be changed

because time flew,

and until heart heals

there is no room for new. 

So while your wounds are open

and no one sees your truth,

finish something old

and fight for something new!

A Petra and a Pocket

There goes my little sister
walking down the beach;
she's got two legs
and a pocket for each.

In them, she grew
revolutionary ecosystems,
where snails ran
and frogs built kitchens.

Her heart is sincere;
she's living an adventure.
From all the other πέτραs
she is much better.

I'm sorry for being rude
about her invention
when it showed me
that pockets are in fashion!

My Sister

If my sister had taken out the trash, 

I wouldn't have gone out today.

If my sister knew math, 

Angela would never come my way.

If my sister loved me more,

I wouldn't turn to wishing well.

If my sister was less distant,

I wouldn't be quite myself.

The Sun

The sun has seen me loving you. 

The sun has seen me try again.

The sun witnessed blurry thoughts

and the wishes I forgot. 

The sun has seen me touching you.

The sun has seen me shy and weak.

The sun has seen me begging you

to give life another chance

and try not to fall again.

The sun has seen it all...

The sun has seen me close my eyes,

turn my back and move along.

The sun knows that, since then,

I don't know what love is for... 

The sun has seen me grow up strong,

determined and serious,

unwilling to give it all up

for another memory with you. 

The sun has seen it all... 

How to Mend a Broken Heart

Move a 1000 km south 

from the place of pain.

Surround yourself with other hearts

that have things to sort out.

Feed your heart music, 

stories and chocolate.

Bathe it in Aegan sea. 

Dress it in wineyard leaves.

Sooner than later, you'll accept your fate

and smile, as the Greek sun fades away.

Every Time I Write

Every time I write, I try to write a poem;

it's a way of living inside this crazy drawing

that one might label as 'life'.

Every time we talk, I end up upset.

I told you: Stop being an insecure brat!

You live a tough life, but it's as much as you get,

so make it worthy, or go fuck yourself.

I spent my time, energy and words

to motivate you to talk to her,

yet you kept sitting on your butt

and doing almost nothing that pays off. 

I turned off my phone, empathy and will.

Nobody needs me. 

For the first time, it's a thrill.

Cannot Talk to Her Unless She's Alone

I questioned her about rock,

Germany and mom;

whilst denying guilt,

she felt troublesome.

I told her she's been doing crack

when she was fourteen;

her biggest fear is being deaf

where there's so much to hear. 

Her best friend - a criminal's son;

with him, she wasn't going far.

Outside she was suffocating,

inside she was numb.

I was so convincing! She could have bought it all!

But when she turned around,

she was not alone.

Socks In Bed

Get yourself a date with possibility.

If you get scared, wear socks to bed.

My aunt taught me: 

Thursdays are for relaxation,

on weekends chase your dreams,

and Mondays are for picking the wrong deal.

No Such Thing

I blame dad for manipulation

and emotional abuse.

I blame grandma for interrupting

when I'm speaking the truth.

I blame middle school

for calling me a fool

and I blame the world I know

for not being my support,

but there's no such thing as support

when you're insecure.

Ložim se na idiote

Ložim se na idiote

koji samo sebe vole;

tretiraju me kao roba, 

smešna im je moja borba.

Ložim se na debile

koji večito za nešto cvile;

kako zinu - lažu, 

a ja im čuvam stražu.

Ložim se na akrepe

koji traže da im ljubim dupe;

gledaju me sa visine

i šire glasine.

Ložim se na kretene

koji prave probleme;

krv mi piju, meso jedu,

sve, samo da me zajebu!

Što se, bar, ne ložim na majmune,

da mogu u Lazu da me zatvore...

The Opposite of a Kiss

Instead of growing up strong,
you grew up weak, ugly and sick.
We sat in front of our primary school;
you picked up a stick and showed me a trick.

I said I've never kissed before.

With a steel paddle I play ping pong,
a game you pick when we're in public.
I wouldn't want to come off as cruel,
but such a cynic guilts too quick!

A day will come when I'll learn to say no.

Ti

Olako govoriš o sebi

kada staviš đubre na svoj krevet.

Olako govoriš o sebi

kad sve stvari strpaš u kofer. 

Čuješ li me kad ti kažem

da đubre izneseš?

Čuješ li me kad ti kažem

da se raspakuješ?

Ups and Downs

This morning, I woke up feeling like myself:
overwhelmed
and strangely dressed.
I haven't seen her in a long time.
I missed the big ideas she always had in mind...

Tonight I'll go to bed
feeling upset
about my baby sister being a wreck.

I Don't Want to Hang Out Tonight

I thought I couldn't be less happy than now,

but life keeps proving me wrong.

Temporary stuff, like candy or friends,

always dragged me further down

into the abyss of guilt, shame and fear

of wasting my time and energy.

I'm still looking for people I like

and I don't want to hang out tonight.

Where there's great pleasure, there's great pain. 

Where there are huge plans, hope is vain.

In search for a new excuse

for not listening to the modern tunes,

I'm writing these words, alone;

the paper and the pen 

love me as much as I love them.

My surrender is nowhere in sight, 

still, I don't want to hang out tonight.